Not everything is a choice
by Dittany23
Summary: Slow burn Holtzbert. They say we all have choices, we make them everyday and they shape who we are to become, whether we choose to be kind or whether we choose to be cruel instead. But the painful truth is no matter the illusion of free will not everything is a choice, rather a way in which we cope.
1. Chapter 1 Just a 'normal' day

Although the team had become a family, it did not mean they truly knew one another, can anyone honestly know another human being? What with all their intricacies, eccentricities, oddities or moods and let's be honest there is a lot of moods to swing between. The Rowan apocalypse was months behind them and it drew them together like nothing else probably could on this plane or the next. Abby, Patty, Erin, Kevin and Holtz now cohabited the firehouse for both work and _'home'_ ; it was much larger than needs be for work purposes, the largest space required was for Holtzs' experimentations and Erins' love of larger than life whiteboards. This being said when something shifted even ever so slightly between the firehouse dynamic it could be felt almost instantaneously, as if the air itself grew density. Today was one of those days little did they realise it held more weight than absent salty parabolas from the cupboards, or lacking wantons in their soup.

The firehouse was comprised of four floors, the first being the general centre of activity for Abbys' theorems Kevs' _'desk of general miscommunication'_ as Holtzy calls it; and Pattys' ever expanding book collection housed in mahogany bookcases that somewhere along the line appeared…she had another Uncle. The second floor was Holtzys' and Erins' ' _LABORATORY OF FUN!'_...you Can guess who named it, Gilbert looked aghast but snorted a moment later and so it became a permanent pseudonym. Holtzmann liked the company although she struggled to vocalise that sort of thing as did Erin but it didn't make it any less true just because it wasn't spoken aloud… right? The third and fourth floors had been works in progress, the fourth had been the attic but Patty convinced them that a conversion would be a great idea and everyone could live under the one roof; if the attic was haunted the Ghosts' should be the ones that are scared. There were three bedrooms a fairly small kitchen and one large bathroom on the third which homed Patty Abby and Kevin (someone had to supervise him and Erin wasn't allowed to share a floor with him and Holtz would probably try some Frankenstein shit on him if housed in the attic alone with his sweet naivety). Therefore, the two bedrooms one small bathroom on the fourth/attic floor were Holtz and Gilberts' however Holtz more often than not dozed off on the battered checkered couch housed in the lab two floors below.

Erin rose the earliest most days and today Friday February 3rd was no different, mewing slightly as she stretched out and into consciousness. Smiling gently at the contrast of her warm cosy bed in comparison to the cool climate of her room, she preferred the cold to the stifling heat of summer, always had and always would. Especially a winters breeze from an ajar window on her face as she cocooned herself into her blankets before sleep, she couldn't explain it but it made her feel alive and at peace all at once. Rolling up and out of bed she swished a gulp of lukewarm water around her mouth from the bedside table before shuffling towards her chest of drawers and wardrobe grabbing whatever clothes she fancied for the day, she'd steadily become more relaxed about what she wore depending on her mood but still opted for quite tight restricted clothing. It gave her some strange sense of comfort the restriction of it, as if the clothes themselves made her more conscientious about what her movements would be, this feeling of rigidity and control forcing her to stand straighter and taller as opposed to so many years of making herself shrink away. Leaving her bedroom Erin took note of Holtzs' closed bedroom door Adjacent but to the right towards the stairwell whereas the bathroom was adjacent to the far left near the new narrow hall window, it wasn't often it was closed due to her infrequently using it or barely sleeping at all; giving it little thought though she trudged quietly towards the small bathroom which comprised of a shower sink and toilet in deep maroon and black slim tiles in a checked pattern, Holtz chose the colour scheme and loath to admit it, Erin liked it.


	2. Chapter 2 just a 'normal' day ii)

Chapter 2: Just a 'normal' day part ii)

Part two of chapter one, Abbys' reflections, Erins' coffee addiction and Holtzs' affliction.

''And she swears there's nothing wrong, I hear her playing that same old song'' 3 Doors down; I had a bad day again- no infringement intended, I don't own Ghostbusters or the song.

5.27am  
Erin squeezed the ends of her hair with a towel as she made her way towards the stairs, knowing it was far too early to blow dry it if Holtz was asleep upstairs for a change; though she debated doing it anyway, it didn't take a PhD to conclude Holtzmann liked background noise. However, it went against Erins' nature to impose therefore she simply held an ear momentarily her colleagues' door, hoping she'd not woken her with the shower.  
''Holtz must have pulled an entire day into an all-nighter again.'' Erin sighed outwardly in empathy and it was empathy because they were all guilty of it, science had a way of consuming you when you were passionate about it. She made her way silently down the stretch of the stairs be-lining for the kitchen situated beneath Jills' room below. 'Coffee, coffee, coffee' flew through Erins' brain a mixture of mantra and prayer.

Meanwhile Holtz was lying in bed staring intently up at the ceiling, she still hadn't slept for what was approaching 34 hours, she'd heard Erins' soft voice outside her door and her insides squirmed at the thought of Erin opening it to check if she was in fact inside. Would she have pretended to be asleep? Probably. She hated the beginning of February which was fine when you lived alone, it was easier to hide and cope, locking herself away from the world for a week or so.

Holtzmann had been doing this same ritual for years now, Abby assumed it was some sort of anniversary but never probed into what kind it may be at least not after the first time. Holtzy barely took a moment to herself, never stopping long enough to eat or sleep significantly, so when February rolled around Abby practically enforced a fortnight holiday upon her, Holtz always came back after a week though. Abby wasn't nonchalant she desperately wanted to beg Holtz to tell her the years following, the first time the proverbial shit really hit the fan; Holtz had came back looking much worse for wear, drawn out, paler, and having definitely lost a noticeable amount of weight. Holtz wasn't someone who budged on serious matters if she really didn't want to and deflected everything Abby threw at her with quips and humour. Abby quickly realised it was taking a greater toll on her only friend rehashing it, quizzing her on why this time of year took a noticeable detrimental effect on her. So Abby resigned to subtly watch over her, ordering more of her favourite foods, suggesting earlier nights… anything she could try to re-establish Holtzs' weight and wellbeing. That being said regardless of crystal clear data that Holtz was in fact hurting, her mood and charisma remained steady…but it only served to peek Abbys' concern over the last few years. If Holtz was still a smiling dancing and a universal yet playful pain in the ass, when something was very wrong, then what else could Holtz hide?


	3. Chapter 3 Memories

Chapter 3: Memories

Summary: More coffee, cold, and sleep.  
''Memories seep from my veins, let me be empty oh and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight''- Angel by Sarah McLachlan no infringement intended.

Notes: Tw; blood, some not too graphic imagery. I'm tired spelling or grammar might be off.

Memories, similarly to the sea can come and go in waves, triggered by any one of our senses; gently brushing up against our consciousness or crashing down around us at any given moment. Denial can force them away into the recesses of ones' mind… But the open water isn't supposed to be predictable and neither are people; you can't stop the tide returning no matter how hard you try.  
Holtzs' room was cold but her sheets were hot from the extended amount of time she lay beneath them, her face flushed and perspiration across her brow. Suddenly she was hit with the blurred image of dirt dancing below her breath, the bitter chill of the ground biting against her cheek and an overbearing heat settled on top of her.  
Holtz jerked suddenly exhaling heavily, as she extracted the constricting duvet letting the cold embrace her instead. Memories flashed back and forth whether or not her eyes where closed or not, what was the point in avoiding the inevitable? Holtz curled up onto her left side a pillow held to her chest as she fell reluctantly into a fitful sleep.

Erin situated on a chrome and purple fabric breakfast stool hung her head over her black coffee, elbows propped up against the counter top; inhaling the smell and groaning quietly waiting semi patiently for it to cool. Physics equations already alight behind her eyes, honestly it was too early for these kind of thoughts. But when it's what you do, it can't be switched off, your brain races back and forth as you've just woken up and day to day filters haven't snapped into place yet.  
''Crap I've left my notepad upstairs'' she whispered into her mug, which was large and black with an off white almost tinted green ghost on, that only appeared when hot liquid was decanted into it…a gift from Holtz to the gang each having their own colours. When asked why everyone got bright coloured mugs and she got that one, Holtz simply stated 'It's black, just like you like your coffee.' It surprised Erin but it was easily hidden, as Holtzmann excitedly demonstrated with a flourish what happened when she poured boiling water in, unnoticed by all; Holtz watched carefully as Gilberts' smile rose like the morning Sun.

Spinning gently the physicist turned and hopped off the stool still nursing her coffee beneath her nose, the towel she'd brought down had been placed over the radiator and the heating dial switched on low. The firehouse was a nightmare to keep warm, she didn't mind a chill but the others seem to and logically keeping the pipes from freezing was a sensible choice by anyones standards. Walking diagonally from her previously seated position Erin began Climbing the stairs, which at this level were spiral due to the attic conversion and intricately designed. A Holtzmann creation or baby rather than government standard like the rest of the work they'd had funded. It was when absent mindedly running her fingers around the bannister eyeing the sheeted detailed spirals of Fibonacci sequencing all throughout Holtzs' metal work and designs that Erin froze, eyebrows furrowing. Looking back momentarily over her shoulder no one was behind her entering the kitchen, but she swore she heard something, the noise resonated louder this time and in a much more discernible direction.  
''NO!'' Erin bolted up the last of the steps, swinging open Holtzs' door expecting there to be what? a ghost? She had no idea, but what she found wasn't what she was expecting. Holtz erratically breathing and crying out in her sleep; tossing back and forth. Erin put her almost completely spilt coffee down on the hip high cabinet to her left, her hand noticeably shaking; (how she'd managed to keep hold of it she doesn't know nor care). Rushing over to her friends left hand side of the bed, avoiding the duvets discarded onto the floor along with pillows, Erin lowered herself beside Holtz. 'Were those tears?', Holtzs' hair wasn't in her usual up do but a simple scruffy bun, sweat held her wild curls down against her flushed face.  
''Holtz wake up'' Erin cooed softly ''you're having a bad dream'', she was only wearing a short sleeve charcoal worn band t-shirt and a small pair of black sport shorts as make shift pyjamas but the sweat was pouring off of her pale skin, soaking through her shirt that clung to her. The moment Erin laid a hand gently on Holtzs' left shoulder, even ever so gently… she knew it was a giant mistake; like the feeling you get just before you fall, as if time itself had slowed down. Holtzs' left arm that had been clinging across her chest as if in pain swung out, a full knee jerk reaction in force, the back of her fist colliding into the left of Erins' face. The noise of impact was amplified due to the perspiration even on Holtzmanns' hand as she hit Erin square in the mouth and end of her nose. Eyes flying wide in fear Holtz bolted up, heart racing unsure of what was real… Erin turned her head slowly cradling her mouth and nose, croaking out assurances even in this situation.  
''Holtz it's okay, it's Erin, you're okay, you were having a bad dream, it just me.'' Blood started pooling out of her hand, which brought Holtz back to reality, at least the present one anyway.  
''OH GOD ERIN?...shit what? wait…'' her voice breaking. Holtz grabbed the black pillow case off of one of the remaining ones that had survived her nightmares, holding out the case in one hand and holding the other hand aloft in surrender she leant forward, pain etched across her brows and deep within her eyes. Willing Erin not to be scared of her, not the way she was scared of others.


	4. Chapter 4 In lieu of comfort

Chapter 4: In lieu of comfort

Summary: Sometimes we have no words or walls to hide behind.

Notes: 'Don't speak' No Doubt no infringement intended for the song or the beauty that is Ghostbusters. Spelling & grammar not beta'd I'll fix it if I see it or you point it out :0 I'm away for a week so can't update.

''God Gilbert I'm so sorry, I swear, I…I didn't know it was you'' Holtz shook as she reached out tentatively to Erin, their eyes locked and Erins' breath hitched; Holtzmann flinched thinking she really was afraid of her 'what had she done?'  
Truth was the physicists' forgot how to breathe properly, not because of the metallic taste invading her mouth or the blood dripping profusely down her chin; the reason being she'd never seen Holtzmann look so vulnerable…not even close, in fact she was barely recognisable. Who knew anyones' eyes could express so much all at once? Erin could have fallen in, they were so deep and it made her heart ache.  
''Holtzmuh I'mb fine, can I hab the case pwease?'' Erin tried to speak properly through her cupped hands but struggled to do so. Holtz as pale as she was apparently could get paler, dark circles beneath her eyes emphasised the frightened searching look she gave Erin, as if trying to confirm it was safe to move closer. So Erin reached out a mere inch or two with her right hand bathed in blood, inviting Holtzmann to pass the fabric over, knowing she was too spooked to bridge the gap herself. Gilbert understood what it was like to be plagued by nightmares, so in that moment she thought nothing of the circumstance or pain she found herself in, or what Holtz had accidentally let slip moments ago.

Holtzs' fingers grazed Erins as she finally passed over the pillowcase, gooseflesh erupting up her arm simultaneously. The whole ordeal felt like an eternity but in all honesty it had only been an adrenaline fuelled minute. Gilbert bunched the fabric below her nose wiping the excess away and pinched the bridge of her nose, regretfully hissing as she did 'Well that's definitely broken' she mused. Holtz tried to silently categorise the damage, first focusing in on the centimetre long split in Erins' swollen bottom lip that was now noticeable having been hastily cleaned, leaving a sickly red hue across Gilberts jaw. As her gaze drifted up a wave of nausea hit Holtzmann, the physicists nose was well and truly toast; swelling and bruises were already forming either side of it. Shuffling slightly avoiding eye contact in the stifling momentary silence, Holtz looked down at her own hands, left fingertips brushed in blood and her stomach clenched. She was far away from her usual head space, these strong hands could do so much, build things up or tear them down; but not this… least she hadn't thought so until now. She was trying to shake the melancholy and guilt from her brain, be 'herself' not this stranger kneeling beside Erin; Unfortunately, this week was the only time she let down all of her walls, perfectly crafted defences, allowing them to crumble around her with abandon. In her mind it was logical, but right now it felt nothing of the sort.

Holtz inhaled deeply, it was stalled and shaky, like she'd misplaced the instructions of how a 'normal' person breathes; but It was supposed to be an innate, biological and automatic response… wasn't it?  
''Gil…''  
''Hobtz'' they spoke over each other, Holtz looked up immediately, her usual defences gradually snapping into place. Erin had observed Jillian closely and knew instinctively that Holtzmann was feeling out of sorts but assumed she'd make some sort of quip about poking the bear, sleeping beauty, hell even Rocky; but none of those happened. It was unsettling… but understandable, hence she began to speak albeit at the same time her friend had.  
''Don't speak, I know just what you're saying, so please stop explaining, don't tell me, 'cause it hurts?'' Holtz spoke sang quietly, then tried to grin but it got caught in between a partial grimace as she realised how incredibly inappropriate it was; even for her. Erins' lip quivered and Holtzmann was officially slipping back towards panic, before a gentle laugh bubbled up and out of Erins' throat. The laughter wasn't like her usual snort, let's face it …that'd hurt a lot right now, so it rumbled throatily. Holtz was awestruck that Erin not only wasn't yelling at her but sounded so genuinely happy, her full mouth mimicked a goldfish on dry land gasping for air, trying to find anything tangible to say now. Which made Gilbert chuckle even more so, her lips halted when she felt Erins' left hand softly embrace her entire right hand; which had been listlessly resting palm up on her own thigh. Words abandoned Holtzmann so she reciprocated with a squeeze, it was all she could manage to offer in lieu of comfort.


End file.
